“Hello, Mr. Hussein!”, a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!” “Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “this is indeed important news! How big is your army?” “Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!” Saddam paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.” “Begorra!”, said Paddy “I’ll have to ring you back!” Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!” “And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked. “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.” Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.” “Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!” “Mary, and Joseph!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?” “Well,” said Paddy, “we’ve all had a long chat over a few pints, and decided there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
We Need the French?
“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure.” Jacques Chirac, President of France “As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” Rush Limbaugh
“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.” Dennis Miller
“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?” Dennis Miller
Raise your right hand if you like the French … raise both hands if you are French.
“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” David Letterman
“Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It’s not known, it’s never been tried.” Rep. R. Blount (MO)
“Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining.” John Xereas,
France announced today that it will ban the nightly display of fireworks at Euro Disney, after last night’s pyrotechnics inadvertently caused the flight and surrender of a nearby army garrison.
“France announced last week that they will not help the United States remove Saddam Hussein from Iraq. Well, duh, they didn’t help us remove the Germans from France.” -Jay Leno
The Complete Military History of France
- Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman.”
- Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War – Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three “ties” in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough , which they have loved ever since.
- American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the formerly English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; ” France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”
- French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Fat boy to France ‘s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States . Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.”
- World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism – France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.
More on the War
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Jay Leno…. What we’re doing, basically, is giving these key Iraqi officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this is where we could have used the French. …. The military announced this week they’re planning to use trained sea lions and seals to guard our ships in the Persian Gulf. That’s when you know you don’t have any allies — when you have to turn to other species for help. …. The latest rumor is that Saddam Hussein has set up training camps for suicide bombers in Iraq. … How lame are you that you need training on blowing yourself up? “Look, Akmed, put on the dynamite belt, then you push the detonator … oh NO!”
Argus Hamilton…. President Bush addressed the nation Monday and announced that diplomacy is at an end with Saddam Hussein and his regime. The announcement caused citizens in Baghdad to rush out and purchase supplies. Every store was jam-packed except Target. …. Saddam Hussein issued eleven cashier’s checks totaling $225,000 last week and had them delivered to the eleven families of the most recent Palestinian suicide bombers. What’s wrong with him? This guy’s spending money like there is no tomorrow. …. President Bush invited the world to join America in disarming Saddam Hussein, prompting Poland to offer two hundred soldiers. It’s all they dare risk. Poland is keeping most of its troops close to home until Germany decides which side it’s on.