by Howard Stephenson
The elections are over but the counting continues, state revenues are down, counties are increasing taxes, and the controversy over the Main Street Plaza continues. During Thanksgiving week isn’t it time to switch gears and enjoy a little humor? Here are some of my favorites.
Hu’s on First
To fully appreciate this one, you need to remember the “Who’s on First” act of Abbot and Costello, that China’s new leader is Hu Jin Tao, that Yassir Arafat leads the Palestinians, and that Kofi Anan is Secretary General of the United Nations. (We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George W. Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu (who) is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinese!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi (Coffee)?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice (Condi Rice), here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
Men vs. Women
Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men?
They would have asked directions and arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts and there would be peace on Earth.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Whenever he has a need for intimacy, do everything you can to satisfy him, no matter how you may feel. And most importantly, no nagging. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
Senate President Al Mansell told this one at the Senate Republican
Fundraiser Breakfast last week:
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you
discover clothing, she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
And the rest is history…
Rednecks
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.'”
–Bob Newhart
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning to night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was plowing with his old mule. So he plowed a lot. One day, when he was plowing, his wife brought him lunch
in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of her head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral a few days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but, when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something
about how my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if my mule was for sale.”